2025-08-15

I’m sitting in LivEat in Kings Meadows drinking my fourth English Breakfast tea “with lots of oat milk”. I’m fasting, four days in, consuming only water and tea. I’ll cut out the tea soon and drink only water. Hopefully I’ll get a few days of ye olde dry fasting in in a day or six.

I bought a subscription to Gaia TV a few months ago. I wanted to watch Drunvalo Melchizedek’s Flower of Life courses on Sacred Geometry (Do those two words warrant capitals? Probably not. And what about starting whatever you’ve put in brackets with a capital? And ending with a full stop, or a question mark?). I watched most of Drunvalo’s sacred geometry courses and a couple of other things: Robert J Gilbert’s Sacred Geometry show… which led me to his website, Vesica.org. Bob died recently. He was a rosicrucian initiate and knew a thing or two. (P.S. While we’re on the subject of secret handshakes I recently read Johnathan Black’s Secret History of the World which is jolly good. One can’t guarantee that it’s all gospel, but it does its best to brush away cobwebs and fog, and if it doesn’t pierce the veil at least it lets you know there’s a veil to be pierced. Only you can pierce the veil; Isis can’t wait to see you.) I signed up for one of Bob (Gilbert)’s courses.. Got partway through it but since returning to dear Gautama’s warm embrace via Vipassana meditation I’ve stopped “everything else”. I’ve done a 10 day serve and a 10 day sit in the last month, both at Dhamma Pabha in Hobart. In between, and after which, I hung around and painted the hall, traipsing up and down the road to Launceston to continue the job of tidying up my mess. Kath and I split up at the start of July. After 19 years. The separation had been a long time coming. It was relatively painless. I wrote a bit about it and may write more. In between and after sits and serves or serves and sits and painting I also dropped in (like Mark Richards) a couple of times on Keian and his mum Latima (No! Not Fatima. And it’s Lat EE muh, not Lat IM uh, apparently) who have a property at Tunnack, a third of the way up the island, not far from Oatlands. I was eyeing off their place as somewhere to pitch a swag and meditate and fast (water only, with a few days dry) for 40 days. Keian and Latima are precious about their land (understandably so) and I got the impression they might be happy to have me serve as guardian of the reservation—but they had reservations. They’re protective. So I didn’t ask. I was eyeing off the bush around Dhamma Pabha for the same reason. Somewhere to hide away in the glorious regenerative succour of the Grey Tout Daws. Somewhere with NO distractions, NO people, NO noise, no fuckun nothun, as it were. Were it? Indud. No food. Just me an’ Daws, meditating, praying, fasting, piercing the veil. The bush around there, around Mount Dromedary, is still an option for such an adventure but I’ve got my doubts. It’s accessible and ticks all the boxes, but like all “property” it’s “property” and people are precious. There are forest reserves thereabouts… with large amounts and varieties and bodies of fresh, clean, delicious, sun-kissed water to drink and clean oneself in. Anyway. We’ll see. I’m going back to Pabha for a couple of days on Tuesday to move gravel around, laying pathways and drains for a couple of days.

Harry’s a good friend who lives in Hobart. He sat his first Vipassana course from the 9th to the 23rd of July. I was supposed to sit it with him. He invited me to join him. It was Harry who got me back on the wheel. Not one of those mousey wheels: the Dhamma wheel. The wheel of Dhamma. Look it up. Or don’t. I haven’t done a Vipassana course since January 2015. Harry and I travelled to the centre together. In my little Star Wagon. A few hours before we arrived I received a call from Georgia, one of the two (husband and wife) assistant teachers on the course, asking if I could serve, rather than sit the course.

“Sure,” I replied. “…Erm? What’s the accommodation like?”

“It’s great. You’ll have your own little cabin.”

My cabin adjoined/adjoins (semi-detached but not like in Norwich) another cabin into which a loony had been sequestered for the duration of the course. When I looked into his eyes for the first time as he and I were leaving our cabins, kitchen bound, I knew instantly that I couldn’t possibly stay a couple of feet away from such a turbulent soul. The human being is far bigger than its bodily form and people get mixed up at night when proximate. One reason having a partner and sleeping in the same bed with them is MADNESS.

I stashed my mattress and doona and sleeping bag in one of the shower cubicles in the new, as-yet-unfinished shower block for the male students, dragging said cosy kit onto the verandah of said shower block each night after lights out, stashing it again come 4am.

I’m in Launceston at the moment. My swag… well, one of my swags is stashed in the bush above the Gorge. If Kath’s not home I’m going to fix the drainage problem with the concrete slab I poured in the back yard. This will involve the careful smearing of another dozen plus bags of concrete. I’m also going to throw more of my shit out and take a bunch more EBayable stuff away. When I go back to Hobart, to go back to Pabha, to move gravel around, I’ll drop in on Harry and give him all my camera gear. Hopefully he’ll consent to looking after the van while I’m away for a month or two in Queensland. I’m going to the Vipassana Centre at Pomona on the Sunny Coast (Speak proper Benjamin! It’s the Sunshine Coast. Obvs.) to do another serve followed by another sit, so the 40 days chasing Jesus in the bush, fasting and digging deeper into the silence can wait until after that. Quite where I’ll go to I have no idea. The road is long and there’s no hurry. Jesus says in A Course In Miracles—and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the quote--something about “There’s no damn hurry. Eternity is yours as soon as you want it. Time is yours for as long as you need it until you’re ready to give it up. Everything is yours as soon as you really want it and have given up everything that stands between you and God.”

I started this scribble with a reference to Gaia TV. And wandered off. What I wanted to say was that when I opened Gaia TV this morning, after my first hour sitting of the day, there was a program advertised, The Forgotten Century, that said something along the lines of “Forget about ETs and UAPs, the history of the last hundred years has been about hiding power and money.” Which, from a certain perspective, may have some “truth” to it. The aliens are probably out there. But there is no out there out there. I’ve seen spaceships or UAPs or whatever the fuck they are plenty of times. If they are aliens and not my own projections—and it’s all my own projection; I create the entire world, the entire universe from moment to moment, as do you, and you are me—then good luck to the little fuckers, and good luck to you for putting your faith in them. They can’t help you. Only you can help you. The truth certainly isn’t out there. It’s in there. In you. You are the truth. There are no answers out there. The whole world is false. An illusion. A dream. A mirage. Baubles and tat. Worthless. Meaningless. And if, as The Forgotten Century claims, it’s all about power then it’s not about hiding power or keeping power. Anyone enlightened or powerful knows that every human is all powerful. The game is more about convincing people—you—to take that power, to acknowledge that power. But everyone wants to stay blind and stupid on account of having all of eternity to figure this shit out, making it VERY FUCKING HARD to instil any sense of urgency in anyone. So it’s often done via deceit, or reverse psychology, claiming others have something they are keeping from you. Then you’ll want it! Then you’ll go looking for power. Claiming you’re entitled to it. Using envy for leverage. Unfortunately all the deadly sins are useful ways of enticing people to be virtuous. It’s called the left hand path. Which is very popular but best avoided. Boga is valid but difficult. Everything is permitted but not everything is beneficial.

T’Other End of the Day…

6:30pm: Back at LivEat. Three more English Breakfast Tease. I do so love caffeine… and the taste of tea.

I often get accused of sneaking about. I guess I do. P’raps. By your fucking standards, Sunbeam! I’ve always been cautious and guarded, keeper of my own cousel... And yet… a flamboyant show off who loves to yak and ponce about in groovy trousers. Insecure and arrogant. C’est la guerre. Or some shit. Why is it proper to italicise foreign phrases? I might be a contradiction wrapped in an enigma with too many options and not enough fortitude. Or I might be just another sucker on the vine. Whatever that means. Don’t fucking tell me how to write. Alright. Another quote from A Course In Miracles springs to mind: “Forgive yourself for the self you made.” And that’s not paraphrasing. I’m not arrogant btw. People often just tar me thusly.

Anyway, of late I’ve let go of the liar, the lustful lech, and the coward, amongst other horrible hindrances to advancement in the arts and sciences. I’m improving myself. I’m going to live with honour, with the courage of my convictions. I’m going to do what’s right. Tomorrow I’ll tell you my plans. Such as they are. And my main plan is doing exactly what God wants to do. I obey. I’m a feather on the breath of God. Again, from A Course in Miracles (Lesson 275): For your voice will tell me where to go; to whom to speak and what to say to him, what thoughts to think, what words to give the world. The safety that I bring is given me. Father, Your Voice protects all things through me.” Exactly what God’s voice is and sounds like and if He even has a voice of the sort we’re used to is something I’m still figuring out. I’ll keep you updated.

And by the way, for what’s it’s worth, I won’t be continuing my subscription to Gaia TV. Not that it’s all bollocks. Not that it’s all drivel and wishful thinking. There are some good ideas/concepts/stories there. But I’m trying to do as Nisargadatta and Jesus and the rest of the army of the wise would have me do. Enter into the Silence. And stay there. Shut the fuck up. Silence of mouth and silence of mind. It’s a big ask. I’m kitting myself out accordingly—mind-kit and stuff-kit.

Sneaking about! Sneaking about (see a few paragraphs above) was leading to something: Concrete. And other things. I’ll get to the other things later—there being only so much time in a day. But today I snuck into the house I still “own” and have a mortgage on, the house I vacated 6 weeks ago when the other occupant thereof and I called it quits after 19 years of playing the game. I snuck round the back with 8-ish bags of quick-set concrete and finished levelling the slab I poured (Yes, yes: It came out of a hose attached to a concrete mixing truck and yes, there were burly blokes to help me… which was half the problem… I let them call the level and ride the float…). Since the slab was poured, three or four months ago there has been a rather large puddle that forms in a part of it near the house. It’s been bugging me while sitting/serving the last two Vipassana courses. I’ve got to write Kath a letter. We need to resolve things. Maybe in an adult fashion. I can do it! Will she sell the house? If she does, or if she doesn’t I feel I’ve got to finish all (or some) of the many half finished projects I/we’ve started. I’ve given the house to her. I don’t want it. I’ll explain… later… time in the day, etc. I filled the puddle and defined the transit of water. And snuck away again. C’est la guerre. It’s not war between Kath and I. It’s good. But it’s over.

I bought a Hilleberg 1 man super tent online today. And as sleeping bag and insert and inflatable mattress and gas burner (for cooking rice and tea) from Aspire and MacPac. I’m off on an adventure.

The day after Kath and I broke up (6 weeks ago. Pay a-fucking-tension!) I found a perfectly formed, almost cliched looking (I guess most of them are) conch shell in the gutter round the corner from the house I’ve been talking about (the one with the concrete out the back). The conch shell is the symbol of the pilgrim on the Camino de Santiago. Everyone (who can find one) drills a small hole in one (Fore!) and ties it to their backpack. Their likeness of the conch shell adorns literature to do with the trek. They’re affixed to churches and signposts throughout Spain. Well, at least the northern bits that are Camino-y. Ekksetchra. I didn’t have a conch shell when I did the Camino a few years ago. To be honest I thought they were a bit wanky. But now I’ve got one I’m off on my own pilgrimage. Fuck knows where I’m going. Can’t wait. Erm, yes I can. I’m taking it.. not slowly, but gently. More haste, less speed? No: probably not appropriate. One day at a time sweet Jesus. And so it goes. Ekksetchra.
Oh, and back to the Gaia TV comments…EVERYTHING in this world is false. All ideas are rubbish. You can’t TELL the Truth. You can be the Truth. No one can tell you about the truth.Well, not very well. Others can point the way. Many others have. They’ve all said the same thing (if they were worth their salt and had a clue and weren’t selling snake oil or trying to get into your knickers. Meditate… a lot. Live a moral life. Grow in wisdom. There are shortcuts… of a sort.

And here are the quotes of the day. (I have a Nisargadatta app on my phone. At least once a day it pings an invariably apposite reminder. I LOVE Nisargadatta Maharaj. I love all the saints (and sinners too, obvs) but the Niz takes the cake. Niz, Jesus and Gautama. The Holy Trinity. They’ll do me.)

Nisargadatta Maharaj on The World

The world is but a show, glittering and empty. It is, and yet is not. It is there as long as I want to see it and take part in it. When I cease caring, it dissolves. It has no cause and serves no purpose. It just happens when we are absentminded. It appears exactly as it looks, but there is no depth in it, nor meaning.

Attracted to Reality?

By Nisargadatta Maharaj (I usually refer to him in conversation, or in the written labels attached to quotes as Niz

You may feel attracted to reality at one time and repelled from the false at another; these are only moods that alternate; both are needed for perfect freedom. You may go one way or another – but each time it will be the right way at the moment; just go whole-heartedly, don't waste time on doubting or hesitating.

Nisargadatta Maharaj on Faith

Questioner: Well, God will look after me. I can leave everything to Him.

Nisargadatta: Even faith in God is only a stage on the way. Ultimately you abandon all, for you come to something so simple that there are no words to express it.

From Master of Self Realisation: An Ultimate Understanding

By Sri Sadguru Sidharameshwar Maharaj (Nisargadatta Maharaj’s teacher/guru)

Surrendering to the Guru should be without any attachment. This must be explained. "Without attachment" here means, without being intimidated, without any other person's personal greatness exercising any kind of pressure, or anything or anyone else putting pressure on us. That is, it cannot be that that person does not actively use it even though some pressure exists. It must be that the pressure does not exist. There is not a single bit of pressure upon our own True Being. There-fore, neither now nor anytime in the future is there anything, or anybody which puts any pressure upon, or competes with our True Being for importance. We should be convinced about this. What prevents us or pressures us at all times and everywhere in various forms is our own confusion or misunderstanding. There is no other distortion at all. The surrender should be like this, without any attachment.

By taking a thoughtful look at things (vichara) the sense of separateness disappears, and when even thought goes, there remains only Chaitanya. Then, only a natural disinterestedness (Nivritti) remains. When the speaker dis-appears, that state is called un-mani, or the "no-mind" state.

Nisargadatta Maharaj on Samadhi (Concentration/Focus)

Questioner: Are you always in a state of samadhi?

Nisargadatta: Of course not. Samadhi is a state of mind, after all. I am beyond all experience, even of samadhi. I am the great devourer and destroyer: whatever I touch dissolves into void (akash).